Easter's Second Chances

This Easter service started the beginning of a series entitled Second Chances. I'm afraid I'm closer to my hundredth chance than my second. I'm always leaving to go do something else, remembering how fragile I am, and coming back.

Some things have yet to change, though: Faith is ever absent. All I want is to believe with every fiber of my being. I need the discipline to keep reading and praying despite what's happening in the world. But I also need the gift of faith.

Faith, I think, cannot be learned.

As for worldly things, my husband still has no job, we still have no place to live, and I still can't seem to get a hang of my job. Another firearm off the streets; another day my bosses tell me I'm terrible at my job. I've been re-entered into the training program for the third time, while all my classmates are well into their own thing. I know I have a lot to learn, but it's hard for me to believe that I'm so much worse than all the others. Pride. Well, I guess I am worse because, without my training partner, I would have missed it.

I'm also discouraged in my other pursuits. I fear I am a terrible writer and will never get published. Really, I'm just working on the daunting task of writing a query. For some reason, this is more difficult than the rest of the book put together.

So, for now, I pursue what I can without the faith I need to get me from one point to the next. There has to be a way to attain faith. I'm missing something.

Not homeless... yet

But I still feel hopeless. I gain a step, but lose two. Trying to go forward and only ending up worse off than before.

I make progress, then I'm pulled down back to where I was.

I haven't read the Bible in about a month. I still want to grow and learn and be with Him. I want the hope that comes with it. I want the faith to believe it's not the end. I'm not entirely sure what's keeping me down here. What do I have to do in order to receive faith? What's the secret recipe that I've missed? How can I do the same things that help others, the stuff that I think I'm supposed to do, and end up with nothing to show for it? What's my problem?

The Working Homeless

I currently live in a 6x6 foot room with my husband. We share a twin size bed in a room that's smaller than the average cubicle. I live in this odd little contraption in my parent's rental.

There's no room for us. Only, on my tiny salary, we can't afford an apartment in or around the city (and I sincerely doubt my car would make it into the city if we lived in the "around" area). And they've decided they are going to move into a place where there is literally no room at all. We're being kicked out.

Unless something drastic happens, my husband and I WILL be homeless in a month.

And while I do know where all the homeless shelters are, the nature of my work makes it impossible for me to stay there (I wear quite the weapon on my hip... at least I'll be relatively "safe" in my car parked outside walmart).

I work full-time, but I can't afford an apartment in or around this city. Back when I had my job at the big-name home improvement store, there was a full-time worker there who lived in a shelter. We work. We work hard, but we can't find a place to lay our head at night. And I see people who've never worked a day in their life with free homes and giant television sets inside them. Where's his free house? Where's my affordable apartment? Where's my hole in the wall infested with roaches and rats? I can't even afford a place in a condemned building. (I'm serious on this one. The rent in buildings that will be need to torn down within a year's time is too high).

My husband can't find work and I'm not allowed to have a second job for the first 1.5 years of my job. So, we're left wondering where we're going to be.

I've been praying for peace. When will it get here?

Maybe it's because all I can seem to do is complain. I can't see any light. I can't see the way out. I've studied and worked so long and so hard, but still nothing gets better. I was once under the impression that hard work pays off; I know for a fact that now that is untrue.

It's not a tunnel with a light at the end, it's a cave that keeps going down.

Can you make a hard heart soft?

 ⁴⁷ Late that night, the disciples were in their boat in the middle of the lake, and Jesus was alone on land. ⁴⁸ He saw that they were in serious trouble, rowing hard and struggling against the wind and waves. About three o’clock in the morning^[b] Jesus came toward them, walking on the water. He intended to go past them, ⁴⁹ but when they saw him walking on the water, they cried out in terror, thinking he was a ghost. ⁵⁰ They were all terrified when they saw him.
   But Jesus spoke to them at once. “Don’t be afraid,” he said. “Take courage! I am here!^[c]” ⁵¹ Then he climbed into the boat, and the wind stopped. They were totally amazed, ⁵² for they still didn’t understand the significance of the miracle of the loaves. Their hearts were too hard to take it in. (Mark 6:47-52)


I don't understand significance of miracles either. Rather, I don't understand why some people experience miracles, and others don't. Why does God heal some but not others, even when they both seem to pray the same?


I guess my heart is pretty hard, but I don't know how to change it (though, I do know the right answer is to let God change my heart). And even when I know the answer, I don't know how to go about doing it.


I don't want a hard heart. I don't want to be a doubter. I don't know why it's so hard to trust and have faith. 


I'm the skeptic, who wants to be the "on fire" for God believer. What won't let me?

 

Old Testament

The past week and a half, there has been a lot of Leviticus reading going on. And I realized something; in almost 30 years of going to church, I don't think I've ever heard a sermon on tabernacle-making, sacrifice-instruction or what animals you should or should not eat according to Leviticus. No one teaches it. And I have certainly never heard a pastor talk about women being "unclean" after childbirth, and unclean for longer if she gives birth to a girl. Does no one teach it because they don't understand either or because it's "irrelevant"? Or maybe it's a touchy subject. I don't know, and according to Google search, no one else knows either. It seems like no one else cares to find out, though. People have written on it, but none have done more than just repeat what it says in their own words. I want to know why it's in the Bible and why I need to know it.

Believe to Believe

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted;
      he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. (Psalm 34:18)

My spirit has felt crushed for quite some time. I feel like I will never get my head above water. Finances and a bad living situation has me down. Husband can't find a job (therefore, no med. insurance) just makes it worse. My job is interesting, but I'm not good at it. So, I have to worry about doing at least well enough that I won't get fired.

I need faith. I'm a skeptic, but I want to be a true believer. I'm the doubting Thomas who wants to have the faith of the woman who touched Jesus' robes. She knew she would be healed, and because of her faith, she was. How did she get that faith? Where does it come from?

But how can I have faith without faith? It's a conundrum. I want faith, but I need faith to get faith. Arg. Does it just appear one day?

Mondays

Something else I need to be thankful for today: I'm safe.

This morning, myself and my partner (another female) had quite a scuffle while arresting someone. We radioed and help was not far away, but we were both out of breath by the time they got to us.

Now, I know God was certainly with us. So, why won't my mind let me believe what my heart surely knows?

We were unharmed. I can only thank God for that.