The Working Homeless

I currently live in a 6x6 foot room with my husband. We share a twin size bed in a room that's smaller than the average cubicle. I live in this odd little contraption in my parent's rental.

There's no room for us. Only, on my tiny salary, we can't afford an apartment in or around the city (and I sincerely doubt my car would make it into the city if we lived in the "around" area). And they've decided they are going to move into a place where there is literally no room at all. We're being kicked out.

Unless something drastic happens, my husband and I WILL be homeless in a month.

And while I do know where all the homeless shelters are, the nature of my work makes it impossible for me to stay there (I wear quite the weapon on my hip... at least I'll be relatively "safe" in my car parked outside walmart).

I work full-time, but I can't afford an apartment in or around this city. Back when I had my job at the big-name home improvement store, there was a full-time worker there who lived in a shelter. We work. We work hard, but we can't find a place to lay our head at night. And I see people who've never worked a day in their life with free homes and giant television sets inside them. Where's his free house? Where's my affordable apartment? Where's my hole in the wall infested with roaches and rats? I can't even afford a place in a condemned building. (I'm serious on this one. The rent in buildings that will be need to torn down within a year's time is too high).

My husband can't find work and I'm not allowed to have a second job for the first 1.5 years of my job. So, we're left wondering where we're going to be.

I've been praying for peace. When will it get here?

Maybe it's because all I can seem to do is complain. I can't see any light. I can't see the way out. I've studied and worked so long and so hard, but still nothing gets better. I was once under the impression that hard work pays off; I know for a fact that now that is untrue.

It's not a tunnel with a light at the end, it's a cave that keeps going down.

Can you make a hard heart soft?

 ⁴⁷ Late that night, the disciples were in their boat in the middle of the lake, and Jesus was alone on land. ⁴⁸ He saw that they were in serious trouble, rowing hard and struggling against the wind and waves. About three o’clock in the morning^[b] Jesus came toward them, walking on the water. He intended to go past them, ⁴⁹ but when they saw him walking on the water, they cried out in terror, thinking he was a ghost. ⁵⁰ They were all terrified when they saw him.
   But Jesus spoke to them at once. “Don’t be afraid,” he said. “Take courage! I am here!^[c]” ⁵¹ Then he climbed into the boat, and the wind stopped. They were totally amazed, ⁵² for they still didn’t understand the significance of the miracle of the loaves. Their hearts were too hard to take it in. (Mark 6:47-52)


I don't understand significance of miracles either. Rather, I don't understand why some people experience miracles, and others don't. Why does God heal some but not others, even when they both seem to pray the same?


I guess my heart is pretty hard, but I don't know how to change it (though, I do know the right answer is to let God change my heart). And even when I know the answer, I don't know how to go about doing it.


I don't want a hard heart. I don't want to be a doubter. I don't know why it's so hard to trust and have faith. 


I'm the skeptic, who wants to be the "on fire" for God believer. What won't let me?

 

Old Testament

The past week and a half, there has been a lot of Leviticus reading going on. And I realized something; in almost 30 years of going to church, I don't think I've ever heard a sermon on tabernacle-making, sacrifice-instruction or what animals you should or should not eat according to Leviticus. No one teaches it. And I have certainly never heard a pastor talk about women being "unclean" after childbirth, and unclean for longer if she gives birth to a girl. Does no one teach it because they don't understand either or because it's "irrelevant"? Or maybe it's a touchy subject. I don't know, and according to Google search, no one else knows either. It seems like no one else cares to find out, though. People have written on it, but none have done more than just repeat what it says in their own words. I want to know why it's in the Bible and why I need to know it.

Believe to Believe

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted;
      he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. (Psalm 34:18)

My spirit has felt crushed for quite some time. I feel like I will never get my head above water. Finances and a bad living situation has me down. Husband can't find a job (therefore, no med. insurance) just makes it worse. My job is interesting, but I'm not good at it. So, I have to worry about doing at least well enough that I won't get fired.

I need faith. I'm a skeptic, but I want to be a true believer. I'm the doubting Thomas who wants to have the faith of the woman who touched Jesus' robes. She knew she would be healed, and because of her faith, she was. How did she get that faith? Where does it come from?

But how can I have faith without faith? It's a conundrum. I want faith, but I need faith to get faith. Arg. Does it just appear one day?

Mondays

Something else I need to be thankful for today: I'm safe.

This morning, myself and my partner (another female) had quite a scuffle while arresting someone. We radioed and help was not far away, but we were both out of breath by the time they got to us.

Now, I know God was certainly with us. So, why won't my mind let me believe what my heart surely knows?

We were unharmed. I can only thank God for that.

Day Two

This isn't the first time I've tried this. I've done it at least twice in the past, having a good, long run of being in the Word and then somehow putting it down and not picking back up again for months. Even years. So, here I am again, determined.

Today's readings include: Exodus 35:10-36:38; Matthew 27:32-66; Psalm 34:1-10; Proverbs 9:7-8.
I had only ten minutes before I went to work this morning; not really enough time to get any reading done. Just as I thought about it, the phone rang. The person I will be riding with today is running late, and she'll pick me up from my house later. I really want to see this as more than coincidence. I know it is, but I can't wrap my mind around it. I don't know why I need a earthly explanation for a Godly event, but I do know that's one of the things that keeps me down.

But I digress (or do I?).

⁴ I prayed to the LORD, and he answered me.
      He freed me from all my fears.
 ⁵ Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy;
      no shadow of shame will darken their faces.
 ⁶ In my desperation I prayed, and the LORD listened;
      he saved me from all my troubles.
 ⁷ For the angel of the LORD is a guard;
      he surrounds and defends all who fear him. (Psalm 34:4-7)

I've prayed, and I've yet to be saved from my troubles. I've prayed for a job for my husband; it's been a year now with nothing. I've prayed for a better job for myself; I think I'm stuck here. I've prayed, but I've seen nothing. Probably because I can't really believe, no matter how much I may want to.
I know I should be thankful to even have a job for myself, but it's hard when that job doesn't pay enough for the basics like shelter. It's hard sharing a twin size bed with my husband in a room that is no bigger than 6'x6'. For that matter, I should be thankful to have a husband. But all I can do is worry that he might get injured or sick and need to go to the hospital, and since we can't pay, he may even be turned down.

I need to stop being so negative, but it's hard to see the positive even when it's staring me in the face. I have a wonderful, loving husband. I have a warm place to sleep. I even have an income. But all I can see is the lack of stable job for my husband, the negative aspects of my job that's actually a decent occupation, the tiny room and the inescapable state I'm in.

My mood is terrible; I want God to change it. I want to be able to feel He's here, know He hears me, hope He's going to bring me through these troubles. I need that faith.

First Steps

Reading daily is step one in my journey. One can't have a journey by doing nothing and going nowhere, so I will be delving into the Word. I guess I'll start with using the One Year Bible Online. Today's readings come from Exodus 34-35:9; Matthew 27:15-31; Psalm 33:12-22; Proverbs 9:1-6. That's a lot to take in for one day, and I don't really understand it all, but I have to start somewhere.


Exodus, and most of the Old Testament, is difficult to apply to life now. Sacrificing animals and gifts of first harvest don't really apply anymore, so I'm not sure why it's necessary. What parts of the Bible are irrelevant? None should be, but instructions for buildings and sacrifices seems to have lost all purpose and meaning. So, I wonder, what's the point? This question needs an answer, but I can't find it today. Thus, I continue my journey.


Psalm was always my favorite book of the Bible. I like the poetic style, the passion of the words, the heartache and the praise it sings. 


 ¹³ The LORD looks down from heaven
      and sees the whole human race.
 ¹⁴ From his throne he observes
      all who live on the earth.
 ¹⁵ He made their hearts,
      so he understands everything they do.
 ¹⁶ The best-equipped army cannot save a king,
      nor is great strength enough to save a warrior.
 ¹⁷ Don’t count on your warhorse to give you victory—
      for all its strength, it cannot save you.

And here is my problem. I rely on my strength, which is weakness. I equip myself for a war with the world; one I could never win myself. And I find stress for all my waking hours, worry as my companion, uncertainty every direction I look and fear in every fiber of my being. Not the good fear, that is of the Lord, but the worldly fear.


 ²⁰ We put our hope in the LORD.
      He is our help and our shield.
 ²¹ In him our hearts rejoice,
      for we trust in his holy name.
 ²² Let your unfailing love surround us, LORD,
      for our hope is in you alone.

I need my hope to be in Him alone. I need that faith to do so. So, here I am, trying to connect. Here I am, stepping forward in my journey.

Starting the Journey

All my life, I've wanted to believe in God. I've wanted to trust Him with everything. Instead, I have relied on my own abilities, which are quite lacking, and my own strength, which is, in essence, weakness.

I want faith. For reasons unknown, however, I've always had a heart of doubt. There are fleeting moments when I feel that God is with me, but usually I don't think He's there.  I know he exists, but I can't make sense out of it, so I can't believe.

Why is faith so hard to find? Why is it so impossible to believe?

Sometimes it’s ridiculous claims by other Christians. The banana fits perfectly in one’s hand? Really? If that’s how God shows himself in life, if that's the proof that God exists, then we’ve got more problems that I imagined. For that matter, what about the grapefruit? We eat grapefruits, too. Why couldn’t God design the grapefruit so that when we eat it, it doesn’t squirt us square in the eye every time?

Mostly, it's the world I live in. Worrying my paycheck won't last until my next one. Hoping my husband never gets too sick because we can't afford a doctor. Trying to solve all my own problems, with little success, keeps me in the dark.

But I'm not giving up. I'm a skeptic on a journey. To find faith in God.