All my life, I've wanted to believe in God. I've wanted to trust Him with everything. Instead, I have relied on my own abilities, which are quite lacking, and my own strength, which is, in essence, weakness.
I want faith. For reasons unknown, however, I've always had a heart of doubt. There are fleeting moments when I feel that God is with me, but usually I don't think He's there. I know he exists, but I can't make sense out of it, so I can't believe.
Why is faith so hard to find? Why is it so impossible to believe?
Sometimes it’s ridiculous claims by other Christians. The banana fits perfectly in one’s hand? Really? If that’s how God shows himself in life, if that's the proof that God exists, then we’ve got more problems that I imagined. For that matter, what about the grapefruit? We eat grapefruits, too. Why couldn’t God design the grapefruit so that when we eat it, it doesn’t squirt us square in the eye every time?
Mostly, it's the world I live in. Worrying my paycheck won't last until my next one. Hoping my husband never gets too sick because we can't afford a doctor. Trying to solve all my own problems, with little success, keeps me in the dark.
But I'm not giving up. I'm a skeptic on a journey. To find faith in God.
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